As I age I start to realize little by little how much our parents do for us. Although I’ve lived with my mom for all my life, she has lived to see me more. The times I simply cannot fathom when I was an infant I can only imagine by seeing what my sisters go through with their children. Even then, the nights and days during the many years my mother spent caring for every moment of my life I could never comprehend even when I have children of my own. To every mother out there, I want to thank you; for I genuinely could never understand the burden of motherhood.

My relationship with my mother has had many ups and downs. Before I was born, my mother struggled deeply with depression due to the passing of her role model, her father. A sense of neglect shadowed my mind throughout my youth, selfishly unaware that it was my mother who truly felt neglected. Regardless of the times I now regrettably have yelled at my mom, she would still have dinner ready on the table. The days that no one knew I was broken, it was my mother who saw through my broken smile to ask me what had happened during the day.

Instagram has forced us to live filtered lives, and I could only wish that the smile you see on my mothers face was permanent. She is the eldest sibling in her family. Having to not only mother us, but her two younger siblings. One of whom she hasn’t spoken to in years because China’s brutal regime.

Seeing what diabetes has done to her own mother, she has taken every step to keep her mother in law healthy. As I sit by my grandmothers side in the ICU, my understanding of motherly love deepens. Although our family is not able to celebrate this Mother’s Day, I realize that I could never simply give my mother her rights over me in a day.

It is said that heaven lies at the feet of our mothers. Sadly, it hurts me not have planned anything for today, but I pray. I pray that I can work everyday in giving my mother her due rights over me, knowing deep down if I spend every moment from now on trying, it would still not be enough.

I love you Apa, this is my promise.